Amusing poems
I am a poet Walter said
I am a poet Walter said
And prompty put pen to paper
Not happy with his efforts
He lit them with a taper
The paper burned a little strong
The curtains caught on fire
Walter tried to stamp them out
But the flames got ever higher
The carpet burst into flame
Soon the house was an inferno
Walter just escaped in time
Before he too was burn'o
He watched as his house fell down
The firemen hosing hard
He cried and was led away
He really took it hard
But later when things cooled off
He again took paper and pen
Wrote about the incident
The how the where the when
He was pleased and this time
He did not wish the poem harm
Instead he submitted to poetry.com
Received reviews most warm
Walter then realised
That writing poems depends
On experiencing life's qualms
Its straights and its bends
So he took up many things
Hang gliding , polo, bear bating
He joined many clubs
Went on blind dating
I am a poet Walter said
He put pen to paper
Wrote about what he knew
The results of his latest caper
God and the devil 1
God called a truce and commanded
That the devil visit heaven for a day
The devil retorted that God should
Also his homeland survey
So the devil and many of his sidekicks
Filed in through the pearly gates
God and a thousand angels
Went to hell through the smoking grates
The devil was really quite impressed
With heavens peace and calm
The only thing that he did not like
Was that it was not too warm
God walked through the burning tormented
Sighed at the misery there
The angels sang songs of pity
But were careful not to touch those in despair
485. God and the devil twoThe devil got up to some mischief
As by definition he was into bad games
The angels were beginning to like him
He delighted in pushing out flames
God did not linger in Hades
He had seen enough of the pit
So he went back up to heaven
Just in time as luck would have it
The devil by now was in total charge
The party was in full flow
The angels were all drunk on his wine
They did not want the devil to go
God was not pleased with this outcome
He opened his arms very wide
Then clapped his hands loudly
The party began to subside
He said to the devil be gone sir
I see you have my hospitality abused
The devil laughed and said so I did
But your angels are now so enthused
God looked sternly at his drunken angels
So be it then and in a bright flash
He sent them all down to the Devil's hell
Where they would burn to dry white ash
The devil thanked God for his presents
Your Angels will do very well
We must do this again soon God
I like my kingdom to swell
Fairskin pronounced properly is quite nice
But often it is bastardized
So the Fairskins decided to rename
What to do?
Eventually being human, they cocked up
Now they are the PrepucesMy doctor gave me some happy pills
I suspected their potent effects
I read them up on the Internet
Saw what they did, their defects
I did not take them so they sit
On a shelf with other potions
To relieve headaches and settle guts
To harden and soften motions
Pills and tablets sugar coated
Man made alleviators of pain
Tinctures and embrocations
Over and over and over again
The masses taking masses
Every day of every year
Soon a pill to get us up
To dispel every fear
A pill to take you to the moon
A pill to get you back
A pill to give you total bliss
A pill to salve the lack
A pill to give you better style
A pill to dispel worry
A pill to make you slow down
A pill to make you hurry
My happy pills are going to stay
In the pile of pills I have amassed
I’m sure others have many more
Collections far more vast
We need of course the pill of pills
When taken once to quell
The need to take any other pills
Would that not be really swell.
Call MD Relief to ease your toil
Morphine direct will bring you calming oil
We deliver good service with a smile
And nudge your loved one that final mile
So hey there you little worrying Gran
Admit Granddad’s had his full life span
You don't have to fret and weedle
We are here with our small needle
Hi there bed ridden mindless mister
I can come with the help of your sister
Although it ain't no legal fashion
We are here as masters of compassion
In my bag I have all the gear
To end the talk about one more year
We guarantee you a peaceful day
To send your loved one's on their way
Hey don't look so down and sad
This suppurating mess is no longer your dad
Go with it and with our help
He'll go peaceful with no yelp
We can do it quick and do it slow
Play solemn music as they go
Or dance and sing in celebration
Add a booster cocktail for final elation
Get the ticket today for relief that's fast
Sign up for treatment that will last
And incidentally we do burials and cremation
Course we clean up too any emanation
MD relief, morphine delivery
End the life that's become slavery
Cancer can now bow its head
We end pain of the living dead.
So tell me what is your problem said she
He took a deep breath
As she looked at her watch
I am misunderstood said he
Tell me a little more said she
He paused for another five Euro fee
I try to look after everything in life
I genuinely try
But I cry now
Am confused
At attitudes to what I do,
Am accused that I do not care
That I am shallow unfair
That I wallow in my misery
That I see only black and no gold
That I worry about getting old
That I grumble too much
That I am always full of ills
That I take too many pills
That I am loathe to have sex
That I have pains in my arms and neck
Slow down a little said she
One by one little by little
Slow down and tell me
Why you think you are like this
I suppose it’s all my fault
I feel clamped up like a vault
Nothing grows inside
I have no pride
I am sad I want to hide
Steady she said calm down
Do not hate yourself ease the frown
Breath deeply, Tell me more about the vault
You said this after fault
I am disappearing he said, reducing in size
My fingers don’t seem to be mine
I am looking out of other’s eyes
I am losing control of all I had
Losing all I love, I am sad
She looked down on him and smiled
Time up I’m afraid, same time next week
She went out to have a cigarette
As tears rolled down his puffy cheeks
Sardines
In a tin, orangey and flat
Smells like the bum of a cat
Even though I have never
Smelled a cat’s bum that close
Nor want to
Great texture too hey?
What the hell is that like?
And little bones
For extra delight
Caught up in your teeth
You can spread em though
Like a cervical smear
Though I’ve not seen one of them either
Close too.
Come to think of it at all
Anyway sardines were on my mind
Not eaten them for about ten years
My god Pilchards now
The uglier big brother fish
Have suddenly appeared
My worst meal is easy
Its pilchards and crème Brule
Presented on a green plate
With a pickled egg
On the side
Walter Smythe was a good man
Walter Smythe was a good man
Or so he thought
He did what he could for others
Did nothing bad to be caught
He lived alone and happy
Or so he thought
Never wanted much more
His ambitions were simply nought
Then one day he met a nice woman
Or so he thought
She entranced his mind completely
Made his trousers taut
She appreciated his attentions
Or so he thought
He wined and dined her royally
Brought presents of every sort
She was pleased with his bed performances
Or so he thought
He even bought a text book
On positions 500 to nought
One day he saw her with another
Or so he thought
He blinked away the vision
Too much for him the hurt
She left him when he challenged
She thought he was a crank
Of course this was after
She had taken his money from the bank
Walter was a good man
Or so he thought
But he bought a gun one day
In a mind trap he was caught
He shot the woman he loved
He had not thought it through
Now he is in prison
Until he is eighty two
Walter was a good man
Or so he thought
Safe in jail with his hobbies
Glad that he got caught.
Walls
Ok I have moaned on about fixing the house before
But it is and endless chore
Take the walls I started to fix this week
Covered as they were in plaster antique
One scrape, then another
Then lots of plaster to smother
Sit back and admire the work
Have a coffee or two and smirk
Then back to see the wonder job
But Oh dear something's wrong
Half the plaster is coming off
I redo this it makes me cough
The wall looks ripe for painting
I am exhausted near to fainting
I paint the walls laying it on thick
I rest awhile then what made me sick
Was the sight when I returned
Of the paint that the wall had spurned
Blisters, bumps, some massive blebs
It looked like ten demented spider's webs
I grabbed the sander, ripped at the mess
At last it was less a disgrace.
Added plaster where it was needed
Should the first episode have heeded
I painted like one demented
Damn sure that this time all was cemented
But after an extended period of drying
All I had left was bitter crying
More peeling, more encrustations
I gave in to my frustrations
With large club hammer the walls I lashed
Unfortunately it bounced back into my nethers smashed
In the beginning there was lard
Soft and white and not at all hard
The devil came and the lard he stole
Pulled it out of its black hole
The universe was quite upset
With no lard centre it went all wet
To find the lard it spread annoyed
Further and further into void
Gravity started to lose its pull
Light from the centre became quite dull
With no lard unifying
The Universe was surely dying
But on planet earth the truth was clear
Lard in a plenty was surely here
Enough in a Yorkshire fish fryer’s tub
To provide for the Universal hub
But Earth was tinier than the teeniest speck
The lard was missed on the universe trek
So expansion continues into nought
For the want of the lard that my mam just bought
The examination of the phenomenon lard
Can never be exhausted
It is an intimate substance
Of the fifth law of thermodynamics
The truth is that in the beginning there was lard
'Let there be lard' God said not 'light'
The truth was quashed by the ninth meeting
of the Imperiatsimmissimaliani
Cardinaliamonaista de chirico, in Rome (cough, spit)
The truth that man came from lard was too much
For the puritanicalists, too radical
The Pope was not pleased so history was changed
The ancients had it right
The lost scrolls were lost because of lard
They were slipped away
Pure lard, the essence of life
Pure lard, the giver of life
Pure lard
Walter Arthur Barrington Snout
Was a man who although devout
Became frustrated at his lot
Decided he needed more than he got
He worked in an accountancy firm
Not too high for power nor too low to squirm
He fitted in and did his job well
He was honest conscientious his head did not swell
He was troubled with dreams unhappy with life
He had no children and a cold grey wife
They slept apart and never made love
No longer was she his little turtle dove
Slowly Walter hatched out a plan
Before I die I will take what I can
He started to smile for the first time in years
He was feeding his ego, allaying his tears
He tinkered and fiddled small sums of money
He kept it safe his pot of honey
He became more popular, people saw
That he was relaxed more, slacker of jaw
He bought better clothes, cautious at first
He was developing a more educated thirst
Even his wife saw the change
Though she kept her sex well out of his range
But he did not care, he had other sights
And started staying out late at nights
His bosses were pleased and offered a raise
Which led to promotion and much higher praise
Which led to more power and chances to steal
Walter was getting a much better deal
He served divorce papers on his rat of a wife
He rented a flat ready for his new life
He ate at good places, but lost fifty pounds
He took his chances with the secretary rounds
He drank more, played more, was happy at last
Corruption he loved, his die was cast
But just as he was right in the head
He had a heart attack and fell down deadI am sure he’s seeing another woman
I get the feeling, like all girls can
Well what do you intend to do
Do you really think he’s getting a screw
Yuk darling how could you say that
Cannot imagine him a big Tom cat
Well maybe he’s just testing the waters
Now you’ve said goodbye to your three big daughters
Yes they have gone but that’s no excuse
I hate to think he’s running loose
Maybe he feels trapped, men like to feel free
Are you saying he’s just sick of me?
No just saying its excitement he needs
Well thanks a lot a friend indeed
Hey come on I’ll listen tell me more
Not sure I want to, don’t want to bore
Come on, have you any juicy facts
Some lipstick stains to show his acts
Well he comes home late almost every night
Gives poor excuses and comes home tight
Maybe he is working can’t you do better
Look in his wallet find a French letter
I looked at his statement on his visa
He bought things from Chez Liza
That’s better, more detail what did he buy
You know something more I can see in your eye
It was panties I saw and not for me
Maybe for your birthday, when will that be?
Its just past and he bought me a dress
I chose it of course he’s quite useless
Then it seems you have to challenge him now
Learn what is what with who and how?
Can I ask you a question?
If you like ask away
Do you still love him, want him to stay?
I think that I do but I am not sure
Especially when he sleeps with a whore
Why should she be such a big tart?
She is I am sure their a horse and a cart
Well maybe she’s an intelligent lady
How could she be she has to be shady
Can I say that you may not know him well
How do you mean Oh damn and hell
Just saying maybe he wants more fun out of life
Jesus that’s nice and I am his wife
I’m getting up and leaving right now
I will get to the truth with the bastard I vow
Just before you leave I want you to see
That those panties he bought were for me!
